We started our men’s Circles seven weeks ago with a simple intention: to create a space for men to have more expansive conversations.
Our underlying belief in creating Circles is that men are less accustomed to having the sorts of conversations needed for true wholeness and healthy relationships. And our hope is that by stretching these boundaries, even if only slightly, we can shine a light on a path of greater growth.
What has emerged from these conversations has been powerful, illuminating and even challenging at times. It’s also reinforced how much of a need there is for this work.
We encouraged the group to bring what was important to them into the group. As coaches and facilitators, Brad, Sharon and I had put much thought into areas we could explore and offer but most of all, we wanted the group to point us to what was important for them and create around that. Co-creating in this way allowed the group to choose and respond to their own needs.
As the sessions progressed, a theme emerged that the group wanted to explore: the conversations that men aren’t having and the reasons why.
What was noticeable here was the willingness to face into this. There was an energy behind this that felt urgent, fundamental, even angry at times.
There was an unspoken frustration in the group. “Why can’t I say the things I’d like to say?”
We spoke of ‘burden‘ often, a sense of not wanting to become an inconvenience to others by sharing our thoughts, worries and needs. This, we seemed to be saying, is a burden that is ours to carry in silence.
There was much expression of fear. What happens if we voice these thoughts and feelings? We spoke openly of the discomfort of feeling vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable leaves us open to being judged, a belief that it will make us look less in the eyes of others. Maybe even in our own view of ourselves.
This fear of being judged pointed to something fundamental. A story was shared of trying to have conversations with a male friendship group that went beyond the superficial towards something more meaningful – only to be met with mild ridicule or incomprehension. Those friendships had been built on a certain level of connection and by attempting to change the culture of the group, the individual risked being rejected from it.
What could be more frightening than that?
Conflict, it emerged, is another hidden assumption that holds us back. As we look at conversations that might be challenging or with those closest to us, there was a fear that conflict or friction would inevitably arise. The risk of this outweighs the need to converse and so important things are left unsaid.
Language came up as a barrier. For some, having not had certain conversations for so long, or even never, the means of expression feels lost or out of reach. How can we fully express how we feel without the right words? How might we start a conversation knowing that we might not have those words, recognising we might need to fumble our way through it?
In seeking to understand what they needed for these conversations to happen, the group returned to one theme over and over: courage.
Courage in many forms. The courage to show oneself fully, the courage to initiate and navigate difficulty with those we love, the courage to risk judgement, the courage to not know the answer and the courage to trust or not care how others will respond.
Where can we find this courage? This is the question that all of us can explore, and a topic we’re sure to return to with this and other groups. The answer is different for each one of us.
As coaches we felt compelled to share a simple observation with the group: that we had witnessed tremendous courage in their willingness to show up and explore these topics on a regular basis, each time going further and deeper.
Our next Circles group starts on Tuesday March 23rd. To find out more or sign-up please click here. Circles are free and open to all men.
